drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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