Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
