Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
