1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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