hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
