I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
