You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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