After last night, I could never be a politician.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
