Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
