If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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