also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
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Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
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Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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