Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
