And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
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Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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