i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
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NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
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I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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