I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
