Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
