a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
