Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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