I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
