Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
