swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
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I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
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If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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