Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
