you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
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btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
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Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated