i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"