i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
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I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
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Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.