as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
