I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
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