I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
