I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Randomize
