a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
