woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
