yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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