My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
