It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
