Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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