So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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