My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
