I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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