I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
