I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
