I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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