Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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