I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
