dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
