i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
