God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
