I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
