I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
