got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
