I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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