last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
