Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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