I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
