just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
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positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
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The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
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