apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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