my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
