woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
