My sheets look like a crime scene.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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