I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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