i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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